Jealousy typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. Jealousy often contains a mixture of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. While jealousy and envy are similar, they differ in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy is about something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from getting.
You and your partner are at a club, dancing – let’s say on a Bits & Bobs v6. He is looking like his usual sexy self and you smirk at the fact that you’re with the hottest man in the room. This is an intimate moment between you two and you are stroking your keys with the oncoming foreplay via IM. Everything is going great until… in comes one of his ex girlfriends making her way through the crowd and stopping at the two of you. Your man looks up and is smitten to see his former flame. As he introduces you to the ex, you try to maintain a smile while trying to find your words. They continue to exchange friendly words and you sit idly by while your blood boils to levels that may or may not result in her body being flung over to the dj booth. In short, her presence is making you lose it.
This scenario is one of 21324657674654657 that depicts jealousy. Just like with aggression and paranoia, jealousy can take on different levels. The scenario above could result in you either being totally at ease by the ex’s presence, or getting into an all-out brawl with the bitch while accusing your date of being a cockspit for continuing a convo with her on *your* date.
For some, jealousy is a real issue and if left untreated, can create a permanent wedge between you and your partner, I know this, I deal with *my* jealousy issues a lot. Luckily, I’m getting better and I have learned it can be controlled.
Taken literally, jealousy refers to a strong desire for someone else’s importance, value or stuff. But in a social setting, it causes someone to be doubtful of their partner and/or feel threatened by their interaction with certain people, the clothes they wear, places they go, their job, their history, their smarts, etc. Which amounts to some level of trust. How much do you trust your partner? How much do you trust other people around your partner?
Like I mentioned before, I believe there are different types/levels of jealousy:
♥ Cute jealousy ♥
Jealousy doesn’t always deserve its negative rap, after all, it’s normal for women to be suspicious of their men (and vice versa). Having reservations about him going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of her drooling over some guy in a magazine (or even an H&R Block representative which tote reminded her of you) are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be harmless, and a perfectly normal reaction.
♥ Healthy jealousy ♥
A man who speaks up about having his girlfriend go out with a bunch of guys or seeing another woman flirting with your man is also part of a healthy re’ship. Usually, you’re just looking out for your partner’s well-being and iunno about men, but women usually respect that. They may even be insulted if *you* don’t say anything.
♥ Obsessive jealousy ♥
The problem arises when aggression and/or violence accompanies the jealousy. Once you’ve reached this stage, you obsessively begin questioning his loyalty to you, and that sends you into a rage, mayhaps even using or contemplating physical force. You have an extremely low tolerance level and, before long, he is unable to even look (plurk, IM, keep on his friends list) another woman or leave your side when you’re both out. You demand to know where he is at all times, what he’s been doing and the mere mention of another girl’s name sends you off the deep end.
You may have learned your jealousy behavior through bad experiences in your previous re’ships. If you’ve already been cheated on, this may cause you to be more possessive and controlling for fear of the past repeating itself. Even if he’s never given you any reason to doubt him, you probably become more desperate to hold on to the re’ship and want to avoid any situations that could lead up to him having a better option or a chance to be unfaithful. OR you may be the one who’s been unfaithful in the past, and, in a shameful attempt to not have the tables turn on you, you want to make sure that you are the only object of their desire.
For the most part, I have learned anyways, that jealousy is an issue stemming from ones own issues with self-confidence and self-esteem. You may feel that you’re not good enough for him and that you’re together by a fluke. Watching him interact with other women leaves you feeling worried that he may be “stolen” from you. You may even be bothered by the close bond he has with his female friends, which he may or may not have known a lot longer than you.
Jealousy is dangerous for those who can’t control it, it’s bad in a re’ship because it eats away at the one thing that holds it together: Trust. To tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that s/he cannot hang out with their friends of the opposite sex is like saying “I don’t trust you”. If you have to impose such restrictions, should you two even be together? Jealousy also takes away from your quality time together, and trust me, it leads to numerous fights where you only focus on each other’s negative qualities. You could end up spending the bulk of your day stupidly thinking up scenarios in which they may cheat on you or you could lose them. Before you know it, the greater part of your re’ship will be spent on what could be happening rather than what is happening.
So how do you fix it? Easy peasy! Okay no, it’s not really easy… have you met me? I have issues. What I have learned that seems to be working for me thus far (I’m a work in progress) is…
♥ Learn from past experiences. You know where you fucked up being all jealous & whatnot? Yah, don’t do that anymore and if you do catch yourself, stop it!
♥ Don’t let your imagination dictate the kind of person your partner really is, you can trust em. Right? If you couldn’t, well then why the heck are either of you wasting your time?
♥ You need to realize that s/he chose you for a reason and there is no need for her/him to be so easily tempted somewhere else. Remind yourself that you’re every bit as deserving as those ‘others’ you feel threatened by.
♥ Ask a friend for advice. It may help you to fully understand the extent of your actions (as well as his) by getting a neutral party’s perspective. Well, if your friends are neutral that is.
♥ This one is a biggy and I think most of ours (Hawks & I) were outlined in the beginning during our hammock talk. Try establishing some general guidelines as to what is and isn’t acceptable for you. This way, you’ll both have justification (loves me some justification) for outbursts when either of you is behaving badly.
Honestly even without all the fancy smancy 1261 words *snort*, controlling jealousy comes down to a few simple things: communication, trust, self esteem, and self-confidence. If you can self help yourself with those things, jealousy won’t ever be an issue.