Archive for the Satire Category

Pssst… Alts Are Taking Over The World

Posted in Op/Ed, Parody, Satire, SecondLife® with tags , , , , on October 17, 2010 by hawksrock

I recently had an experience akin to that of the matrix or terminator movie franchises, whereas I uncovered a nefarious plot by not the machines in this case, but by the alts to take over the world.  Luckily we the chosen few have been well trained in special alt SL-ops (or SLops) by some of the best masterminds out there.  I mean if you do not yet understood the new math of 6 degrees of Elexor Matador… then how can you even call yourself a Second Life resident?   I guess for the uninitiated, or simple minded out there…  you might be wondering what the new math is or maybe you slept through that period in SL-algebra?  First read up on the old school math here.   That was sooo  circa 1999.  You see Kevin Bacon was limited by the fact that he was only one person, and therefore was somewhat limited in his capacity to reach out and touch someone.  In the current world, through the power of alting, you  now have the ability to have an exponential impact on those around you.  You are limited only by your own imagination and ability to multitask conversations.  The new math dictates that one in 6 avatars IS Elexor Matador.  So yes… if you have had SLex with at least 6 avatars (a number probably on the low side of average driven up by the number of horndogs out there who seek the truth) then you too have probably gotten a lil blingy penis without even knowing it.

The reality is that the six degrees of Elexor Matador phenomena has just gone viral.  It has recently come to my attention that alting is taking over THE WORLD… well at least social networking which is our LINK to THE WORLD from our basement safehouses.  I will admit that I was taking life easy, enjoying a little sunlight and fresh air for a change, while venturing abroad into that great abyss known as the great outdoors during my self imposed hiatus from SecondLife.  When all of a sudden, boom… my SLops training started tingling and I realized that my 17 year old daughter was falling for the ploys of a Matador initiate.  It started when I noticed a little thing on that link to life Facebook called a “relationship status” change.   It appeared that our daughter was now “in a relationship”, and it wasn’t even “complicated.”  Well, Jellybean and I immediately dusted off our cyber-sleuthing skills and went to work.

A quick backlink trace showed that this initiate was either a bit sloppy or at least pretending to be.  You see it appears that his wall, photos, info, and historical files were all readily accessible.  The first redflag appeared when we checked his date of birth which showed 1989.  I know many of you are still reeling from the SL-algebra above, but I will help you out and explain that this would put his age at 21 years which ranked up there in the “oh hell no” of ages.  Second, it was time to check his wall.   It appears he was speaking in some sort of code or foreign language.  It appeared that all of his status updates were pure gibberish to the uninitiated.

A few examples:

“BE BAK ON SOON TXT ME MMK ! NEMO BE BAK LATR:) FISH GOT SWIM BIRDS GOTTA EAT:) LATA DUDE:)”

“u showd me nuthin but hate but just like thy say, wat comes around gose around…”

“luvin du fuckin life im livin… its like a DREAM…”

At this point the daughter was brought in for questioning.  A few things were brought up such as her moral imperative to be additive to the global gene pool and not to assist with the dumbing down of America.  How was a 21 year old attending high school?  Do they not teach spelling in school any longer? Is this really the best option on the table?  She then dropped the bomb.  You see this facebook account wasn’t a true depiction into the intelligence and moral aptitude of the new relationship.  He just chooses to “act this way on Facebook”.  He put his age in as older so he looks “cooler.”   OMGWTFBBQ!!!   Does he have a blingy penis?  And you better not be able to answer that yet missy, since this is only day two of the new relationship status!

Well needless to say, this sort of put me back on high alert status.  It appears that there is a new push to hide your true identity on Facebook.  People are alting under various guises at various ages and with varying intelligence levels.  They are seeking to infiltrate the very fabric of our social existence.  They are on the lookout to RULE THE WORLD!

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Curbside Confessions – Round 3

Posted in Satire with tags , , , on August 29, 2009 by hawksrock

Hey all about time for another round of Curbside Confessions.  Enjoy!

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

Thank You Ever So Much For Letting Me Know. Again.

Posted in Op/Ed, Parody, Satire, SecondLife® with tags , , , , on August 16, 2009 by Prad

[10.30] Random Avatar: THIS IS NOT A HOAX! An avatar called Ivor Biggun is distributing a prim/HUD/freenis to random avatars which when you wear it will STEAL ALL YOUR LINDENS!!!!!!11111ELEVEN. It will also STEAL YOUR INVENTORY!!!!!!1 And it’ll copy your avatar!!!!! And it’ll spread itself through your ENTIRE FRIENDLIST!!! And then it’ll download itself onto computer and STEAL UR CREDIT CARD!!!!! And then it’ll control ur computer and make it do all evil stuffs, and hack teh PENTAGON!!!!! And then the FEDS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE and lock you away FOREVER!!!!! Pass this on to ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND GROUPS NAO!!!!!!1111ONE.

This should have died back in 2007.

An Open Letter to Senator Stephen Conroy

Posted in Real Life, RL, Satire, SecondLife®, Virtual Worlds with tags , on June 26, 2009 by Prad

Dear Senator Conroy,

We have a lot in common you and I, Sir. We’re both filthy Poms (Don’t try to deny or denounce it – we can live and work through this) and we both love the internet and the potential it can offer us.

As the Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy in the land down under, I imagine you spend a fair amount of time just surfing the web and looking at random stuff. Again, this sums up my job pretty well too.

So I totally understand when you introduced the internet censorship scheme to deny the access to child pornography to the Australian people. It certainly won’t make the problem go away, but why not make life that little bit harder for paedophiles, right?

Then you extended the things you wanted to censor.. drug usage, criminal activies, cruelty, extreme violence or “revolting and abhorrent phenomena that offend against the standards of morality”. I can live without seeing those things on the internet.. especially that last one. Domino’s Pizza really is something wicked.

But then you turned your attention to online games. Now I remember when you had Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas taken off from sale because of that Hot Coffee scandal. This was the first time I became aware that Australia had no rating for adult-only content.

And I guess I can understand that. Us Brits, Senator, do have a reputation for being prudish. But even then, a pot-smoking, homosexual, chainsaw weilding one-eyed pizza delivery boy can still start up his own blog in the UK, and not get blocked.

So really, there’s no reason to hold the moral high ground in Aus.. I mean, they’re just like you and me Senator. Only with nicer weather, better sportsmen and more shrimps to put on the barbie.

Senator – I think it’s time for you to come home and let us take good care of you. It does sound like you’re missing the green, green grass of home, and perhaps it’s time to let mommy love you again. I just don’t want to see you do anything stupid like ban those nice Aussies from online worlds like Second Life.

Because, Senator, I know many of them. And when they get deprived of their second lives, they get a little homocidal and crazy, and I can’t let a fellow Brit face that sort of danger.

I have a spare room that you can camp out in while you find your feet again, Senator. Maybe you and I can work together and take over the running of the British Government? I don’t think anyone can do a much worse job..

Just.. umm.. leave running Internet censorship type of things to me, okay? You can run the House of Commons or something.. that pitifully corrupt lot could use your iron fist.

Yours,

Prad Prathivi

Here… Drink Mine Instead!

Posted in Op/Ed, Satire with tags on May 22, 2009 by Rosie Shark

zombie

I love Hawksrock Gunawan.   He is sort of like my personal idol at the moment.   Who else could take an event he knew next to nothing about, be annoyed with it even though he’s so over SL in general, show no regard for people he admittedly has on his ‘friend’s’ list, spout off some propaganda about hypocrisy (oh the irony!), lure people to his post through that ever-useful plurk as a marketing tool, get them to read, and then get like 30 days, tops, worth of free publicity from it with everybody singing his praises. I think this represents the best in megalomaniacal (I might have made that word up) self-aggrandizing (I might have made that word up too!) soapboxing  genius I have seen in a while.

I have no doubt that hawks is a super nice sweet individual who wanted to do something for the blog-reading community.   I am proud to have him on my friends list, though I’d be shocked to actually get an IM from him.   I also am pretty sure that he knew that giving the people out there who read stuff something to go :O at was going to score him some great clicks.   I hope he doesn’t expect there to be a Hawksrock Gunawan is the awesomest person in the universe day, but I do think he expected this gesture to gain some negative feedback, because I am of the opinion that whatever faults you wanna throw at Hawks he has proven time and again that he has big smarts and an even bigger spoon.

I am however just a little bit shocked and dismayed at how quickly our band of blog readers out there are ready to line up like ducks at the shooting gallery.   They realized that if they tried to express a little involvement and levity and let’s say admitted they liked something everyone else did (HEAVEN FORBID) that they would quickly be banned from commenting on the Rev and miss out on all the free dramz.  Hawks says dance, they dance like mofo’s.   The same can be said of the quick rapid rise of Hawksrock Gunawan to take up Hawksrock Gunawan is the supreme god of the we’re-not-sheep-looket-satirez-i-has-it philanthropic association day, all because he took time to share his uninformed opinion? To my knowledge Hawks was pretty cool before this whole venture, but now that they scored drama he is EVERYWHERE!   Lord knows we wanna make sure this becomes an annual event, and maybe even other people will take up the cause of appreciating our band of hard working-hound-your-gf-to-edit-your-vid-for-you, overuse flowery adjectives and hopefully remmy the little people bloggers out there.  Isn’t it ironic, dontcha think?

Tell Me Baby…

Posted in Op/Ed, Satire, SecondLife® with tags , , on April 22, 2009 by Rosie Shark

Once upon a time, the adoption agencies that populated the grid were the answer to the prayers of some of the barren residents of SL. SL child welfare authorities were busy and happy… matching loving avatar couples with the creepy-grown-adult-playing-a-child spawn they so craved. The sounds of “Sissssssssssssssyyyyyyyyyyyyy” and the lilting “I love you buh bye” were music to the ears of parents to be everywhere.

Sadly this is no longer the case. As adoption agencies now turn away the rising number of unwanted and orphaned child AV’s due to overcrowding, one must wonder what the reason is.

Meet Baby Chris 1.0. Previously known only for peddling pets, Zooby’s has launched onto the child-for-sale scene with their introduction of      Baby Chris.

“Things used to be so complicated,” explains Baby Chris in a rather gravely and raspy voice. He throws back a shot of whiskey as he ponders his next words. “With kid aveez, parents were always havin to deal with personality and crap….,”

BC erupts into a coughing fit and stares at the lit end of his cigar accusingly. “Me? Well, I’m the new generation. HA HA HA. There’s no ‘person’ behind this baby,” he continues, punctuating the air around him with his finger quotes. “Log out for a few hours a day so I can get some damn peace and quiet and I’m good to go.”

Touted as SL’s best babies, Zoobys are quickly taking the grid by storm. One look at their angelic faces and guaranteed cooing and awwing will follow. Plus, there are so many options, your SL will be fun-filled with an adorable accessory you can show all your friends!

Amazingly life-like, they can sleep, crawl, talk, sit, and even breastfeed! “Except that Morgan one!” BC sputters. “Poor sap all handicapped with those fangs… good thing he doesn’t care he’s missin all that melon action. Know what I’m sayin’? HA HA HA.” Once again, Chris is interupted by coughing fit as I subtly roll my eyes.

Seems like these itty bitty, cooing, sweet-smelling angels are a dream come true, right? We were not convinced. We decided to get another perspective from one orphaned child avatar, named Star (real name changed to protect the wanna-be minor).

Star explains her need to explore her inner child through the use of a creepy child av,”I didn’t feew wike I had the reaw wife chiwdhood I detherved. Sure, my parenth were rich, and I wath thpoiled but I need to feew dithipwine, and I kinda wike getting thpanked.”

What did the unanticipated arrival of Baby Chris 1.0 mean for Star?

“My parenth were no wonger interethed in me,” Star says and the corners of her pouty mouth turn down. The details of the ordeal that followed are horrifying.

“I wath wocked in a cewl while they pwayed wif their new toy,” she says. I can see the big puppy dog tears welling in her eyes at the memory. “My SL parenth woved me I thought.” One fat tear rolls down her face.

It was the natural progression of your slife. Be a noob, find a poseball partner, make it official by adding that person to your lil box, then the palatial estate and marriage. The next step will always be to start your new family. Perhaps with a repressed guy from South Dakota who would like to rp as your new bouncing baby boy.

For one child who had enjoyed such a charmed existence – safe in the loving picks of her ‘parents’ – thoughts of driving cross country in her own diaper to gain closure over the failed parent/child relationship began to seem reasonable.

“Messy!” declares Baby Chris. “Folks are so needy. You won’t get any of those nagging emotional needs to fill with a Zooby Baby.” He winks as he looks at me, “what you will get is a guaranteed bundle of motha effing joy, pink cheeks and the silencing of your biological whosit.”

“Thure, theth babieth are great if you’re a thocially awkward, materiawistic fathionithta who needth a lil thomething new on their arm,” adds Star bitterly.

This has  been a collaboration of JellyBean Madison and Rosie Shark. We’ve all seen the craze. What are your thoughts on Child AV’s and prim babies?

Second Life Drama

Posted in Parody, Satire, SecondLife®, Virtual Worlds with tags , , , , , on March 14, 2009 by Prad

The by product of the two largest driving forces behind Second Life (Love and money) is, of course, Drama. We watch it, live it, participate in it and laugh at it. We laugh at how pathetic it all is, and wonder why the people involved don’t devote their passion and time into something more productive. And then we realise we’re watching it unfold and close the window.

I’ve never failed to be amazed that people twice my age can kick up such a fuss that’d put High School kids to shame – it’s amazing how catty and bitchy residents can get.

SL drama, obviously, will pretty much always originate from Second Life. Whether it be by a failed relationship, a competing store or just because someone has a complete lack of any social skills. What differs Second Life dramas from Real Life ones is that they very rarely involve politics or religion – oh no. It’s much more childish and pointless than that.

So here’s how it rolls: Someone says something that somebody else doesn’t like. That person retaliates with personal attacks, which the other person then responds to. Then the friends turn up in hordes to protect their friend, and the whole thing embroils into a small scale fiasco. And of course, Second Life being Second Life, obviously someone has to blog it..

So then it’s out there for anyone in the world to see. Before you know it, it’s being spread on Plurk, across Twitter, into Flickr and other bloggers are wading in with comments and their own entries. All the minions group up and form sides, backing each other up in their blog entries and making a big deal out of what initially was a small little thing.

It’s important to note that there are never any winners – just a whole lot of losers who are mocked silently amongst the masses. Regular participators become “blacklisted” for embroiling themselves in drama at every given opportunity, and people class them as someone who has serious mental issues. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when I’ve bothered to satirise you.

People seem to like examples, but the scenario above will fit just about every SL drama you can think of. If you find this post offensive, then it’s likely because you’re the subject of it. But just for you, I’ll do an example, because you probably wouldn’t mind a model to practice out your next dose of drama with.

Blogger#1 posts a blog entry with a slightly passive aggressive tone, but nothing worth really noting.

Plurker#1 reads the post and goes off on a tangent on Plurk, calling Blogger#1 homophobic/xenophobic/sexist/racist/emoist/idiot/freenis.

Blogger#1 responds to the Plurk and writes a nasty response to get back at them.  Plurker#1’s friends all feel like they have to be offended too, and go to Blogger#1’s blog to leave nasty anonymous comments.

Plurker#1 then goes to their blog and bothers to write something with is longer than 140 characters, and winds up with something nonsensical, catty and venomous. Blogger#1’s snarky friends turn up to make stupid comments on the blog entry, and Plurker#1’s friends respond in the same entry, creating a huge orgy of empty-mindedness which the blogosphere turns up to see.

Then sections of the blogosphere decide they want to take sides, and use posts on the feed and Flickr pics to illustrate their points.

Other people watching the chaos descend just sit on the sidelines and shake their heads, wondering how the hell these people are able to function without being locked up in a padded room.

Finally the whole thing just gets blown out of proportion and someone satirises the whole thing just to remind everyone how stupid it all is.

Confused yet? You should be.