Archive for the Love & War Category

Sanction Scammers!

Posted in Love & War, Op/Ed, Real Life, RL, SecondLife®, SL® Business, Virtual Worlds with tags , , , , , , on March 11, 2009 by Valiant Westland
Hang All Pirates!

Hang All Pirates!

Sanction scammers
Kill them all
Slowly torture
on a wall
Hanging high
for all to see
the brutal end
Their screaming pleas
for mercy
They deserve it not
Let their corpses
turn to rot
So other would be
thieves will wonder
Will I be next
torn asunder
disemboweled for my plunder
Then we’ll see
these crimes will cease
the web again
a place of peace.

Advertisements

It’s over, we’re done!

Posted in Love & War with tags , , , , on March 7, 2009 by ♥JellyBean♥

I’m leaving you, we’re breaking up, because…

…we can’t go on like this any more. Your friends (replace with yoga instructor, tringo host, family, cats or anything else applicable) do not approve of me.
… your friends (replace with hobbies, pets, TV shows, online gaming, Mountain Dew/asiago cheese bagel addiction or anything else applicable) are more important than me.
… I don’t like how you spend money (how you dress, how you talk/shop/cook or your friends or anything else applicable)
…it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not ready for a serious relationship. You’re too good for me, you deserve someone better.

People think of any excuse when it’s over don’t they? I’ve heard a lot, some personally and some through experiences by my friends and co-workers. Is breaking up really hard to do nicely? YES! Not only that but isn’t the goal to move on? Breaking up is hard no matter which role you play – be it the dumper or the dumped.

Last week one of my RL friends was dumped and as you all know, my sympathy has no bounds. Hah! Actually we all saw it coming, but she didn’t. The best I could do is offer Ben & Jerry’s, a pink rose and a shoulder, while biting my tongue of the famous heartless words… “I told ya so”. Bitchy, much? Mayhapsibly but honestly we really did all see it coming & I’m not completely cold or I would have said it rather than just thinking it, right?

Dissed via text, dismissed over the phone… just one step above an email & a post-it note? Why can’t break ups be more cut and dry? More clear and concise? By no means am I an expert but over a year ago I did get divorced (which I intiated) and of course I’ve been holding my friend’s hand through this tough dumped slump. I guess that gives me the empathy to write this post as I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum.

I don’t have any good advice for the dumped other than what everyone else says… You’ll find somebody better, apparently he/she wasn’t the one for you, better to end it now before you waste 14 years of your life & add 3 kids to your baggage… yada yada.

However for the dumper…

  • Do it in person. For the love of all that is good, just have the guts to at least do it face to face. Well, if you’re an SL relationship, I guess be on the same sim, avatar to avatar?Anything else is just cold & ruthless.
  • Avoid doing it on special ocassions – such as holidays, birthdays, or heaven forbid, Valentine’s Day. You don’t want to seriously head fuck another human being no matter how bad the relationship turned out, do you?
  • Stop trying to be the nice guy/girl. It’s over. There is no good way of doing it nicely. You need to be clear, we need “closure” and try not to use the same tired phrases that you think make it easier on the one you’re dumping. It’s best to be honest and use tact but honestly stop trying to protect his/her feelings, you’re DUMPING them so lay it out there so he/she can have that full closure, and understanding of why it really didn’t work. Did you grow apart? Want to weigh other options? Met someone else? Decided to be a eunuch/celibate/join a monastery?
  • Be honest – By being honest, it may hurt the other person that you devoted however much time to, but it’ll also help them get over you quicker. Really isn’t that the goal? Move on! By trying to be nice, you may also end up giving false hope that you could change your mind tomorrow. You’re already going to cause him/her inescapable emotional pain and hurt for a period of time so just go whole hog without going out of your way to be overly cruel.
  • Don’t try to stay friends, you both need time away from eachother. After all if time with eachother was working out so well, you wouldn’t be breaking up in the first place. Mayhaps down the road, you two can be friends but don’t promise that straight out of the dumpage gates of singlehood.
  • Rein in your emotions – Of course you don’t want to appear completely cold but don’t laugh if they cry, or appear overly happy at getting out of the relationship. Also don’t give them 5 minutes of you doing all the breaking up & “I’m out of here”. If you take it slow & tactfully, he/she can ask questions if need be, etc.

All in all, leave gracefully, not gleefully. He/she will be stunned, especially if there was no warning signs, but in the end everything will be clear & hopefully you both can just move forward & find the one that is definitely the right one for you.

Everyone Lies

Posted in Love & War, Op/Ed on February 10, 2009 by Orchid

Don’t even act like you don’t (or haven’t!)  Everyone lies and there’s no way around it.

If you are seeking a SL relationship .. you’re going to get lied to.  Sure it could be something small and maybe it won’t really matter in the scheme of things, but at some point you’re going to get lied to.

I’ve never understood why so many people get so up in arms about how they were lied to by their partner.  Maybe their partner isn’t actually single IRL (but technically are) or maybe you told your partner you don’t smoke, but actually you do.

What’s one to do if you’re being lied to?  Nothing.  Why?  Everyone lies, but some are just better at it than others.  If you’ve caught your partner in a lie it simply means they aren’t as good at it as maybe you are.  Lies come in all shapes and sizes and as a person its your duty to decide which lies are over the line.

Some lies are just a given.  If you sleep with someone behind your partner’s back and don’t come clean that’s horrible – BUT – coming clean doesn’t exonerate you from your deed.  Its still horrible.  There’s generally no getting out of that.  So your choices are either A) don’t do it in the first place.  B)  Lie better and ditch the conscience.   C)  Hope you’re good enough in the sack that your partner forgives you.

If at any point you do something completely heinous and you’re forgiven by your partner it means they probably have a huge lie they are keeping from you and once it comes out:  they will refer back to that horrible horrible moment when you sent their world into a downward spiral. 

Beware.  Everyone’s telling lies about something.  Either you understand that everyone’s human, or you continue living your own lie.

Hey Jealousy… Hey Jealousy.

Posted in Love & War with tags , , , , , on January 29, 2009 by ♥JellyBean♥

Jealousy typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. Jealousy often contains a mixture of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. While jealousy and envy are similar, they differ in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy is about something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from getting.

Jealousy scenario:

You and your partner are at a club, dancing – let’s say on a Bits & Bobs v6. He is looking like his usual sexy self and you smirk at the fact that you’re with the hottest man in the room. This is an intimate moment between you two and you are stroking your keys with the oncoming foreplay via IM. Everything is going great until… in comes one of his ex girlfriends making her way through the crowd and stopping at the two of you. Your man looks up and is smitten to see his former flame. As he introduces you to the ex, you try to maintain a smile while trying to find your words. They continue to exchange friendly words and you sit idly by while your blood boils to levels that may or may not result in her body being flung over to the dj booth. In short, her presence is making you lose it.

This scenario is one of 21324657674654657 that depicts jealousy. Just like with aggression and paranoia, jealousy can take on different levels. The scenario above could result in you either being totally at ease by the ex’s presence, or getting into an all-out brawl with the bitch while accusing your date of being a cockspit for continuing a convo with her on *your* date.

For some, jealousy is a real issue and if left untreated, can create a permanent wedge between you and your partner, I know this, I deal with *my* jealousy issues a lot. Luckily, I’m getting better and I have learned it can be controlled.

Taken literally, jealousy refers to a strong desire for someone else’s importance, value or stuff. But in a social setting, it causes someone to be doubtful of their partner and/or feel threatened by their interaction with certain people, the clothes they wear, places they go, their job, their history, their smarts, etc. Which amounts to some level of trust. How much do you trust your partner? How much do you trust other people around your partner?

Like I mentioned before, I believe there are different types/levels of  jealousy:

Cute jealousy
Jealousy doesn’t always deserve its negative rap, after all, it’s normal for women to be suspicious of their men (and vice versa). Having reservations about him going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of her drooling over some guy in a magazine (or even an H&R Block representative which tote reminded her of you) are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be harmless, and a perfectly normal reaction.

Healthy jealousy
A man who speaks up about having his girlfriend go out with a bunch of guys or seeing another woman flirting with your man is also part of a healthy re’ship. Usually, you’re  just looking out for your partner’s well-being and  iunno about men, but women usually respect that. They may even be insulted if *you* don’t say anything.

Obsessive jealousy
The problem arises when aggression and/or violence accompanies the jealousy. Once you’ve reached this stage, you obsessively begin questioning his loyalty to you, and that sends you into a rage, mayhaps even using or contemplating physical force. You have an extremely low tolerance level and, before long, he is unable to even look (plurk, IM, keep on his friends list) another woman or leave your side when you’re both out. You demand to know where he is at all times, what he’s been doing and the mere mention of another girl’s name sends you off the deep end.

You may have learned your jealousy behavior through bad experiences in your previous re’ships. If you’ve already been cheated on, this may cause you to be more possessive and controlling for fear of the past repeating itself. Even if he’s never given you any reason to doubt him, you probably become more desperate to hold on to the re’ship and want to avoid any situations that could lead up to him having a better option or a chance to be unfaithful. OR you may be the one who’s been unfaithful in the past, and, in a shameful attempt to not have the tables turn on you, you want to make sure that you are the only object of their desire.

For the most part, I have learned anyways, that  jealousy is an issue stemming from ones own issues with self-confidence and self-esteem. You may feel that you’re not good enough for him and that you’re together by a fluke. Watching him interact with other women leaves you feeling worried that he may be “stolen” from you. You may even be bothered by the close bond he has with his female friends, which he may or may not have known a lot longer than you.

Jealousy is dangerous for those who can’t control it, it’s bad in a re’ship because it eats away at the one thing that holds it together: Trust. To tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that s/he cannot hang out with their friends of the opposite sex is like saying “I don’t trust you”. If you have to impose such restrictions, should you two even be together? Jealousy also takes away from your quality time together, and trust me, it leads to numerous fights where you only focus on each other’s negative qualities. You could end up spending the bulk of your day stupidly thinking up scenarios in which they may cheat on you or you could lose them. Before you know it, the greater part of your re’ship will be spent on what could be happening rather than what is happening.

So how do you fix it? Easy peasy! Okay no, it’s not really easy… have you met me? I have issues. What I have learned that seems to be working for me thus far (I’m a work in progress) is…

♥ Learn from past experiences. You know where you fucked up being all jealous & whatnot? Yah, don’t do that anymore and if you do catch yourself, stop it!

♥ Don’t let your imagination dictate the kind of person your partner really is, you can trust em. Right? If you couldn’t, well then why the heck are either of you wasting your time?

♥ You need to realize that s/he chose you for a reason and there is no need for her/him to be so easily tempted somewhere else. Remind yourself that you’re every bit as deserving as those ‘others’ you feel threatened by.

♥ Ask a friend for advice. It may help you to fully understand the extent of your actions (as well as his) by getting a neutral party’s perspective. Well, if your friends are neutral that is.

♥ This one is a biggy and I think most of ours (Hawks & I) were outlined in the beginning during our hammock talk. Try establishing some general guidelines as to what is and isn’t acceptable for you. This way, you’ll both have justification (loves me some justification) for outbursts when either of you is behaving badly.

Honestly even without all the fancy smancy 1261 words *snort*, controlling jealousy comes down to a few simple things: communication, trust, self esteem, and self-confidence. If you can self help yourself with those things, jealousy won’t ever be an issue.

SL’omeo… SL’omeo, Wherefore Art Thou?!

Posted in Love & War, SecondLife® on December 17, 2008 by Rosie Shark

I’ve seen many posts with this theme over the last few weeks. From people wondering the same thing, to people answering the inevitable question, to people saying it much better than I ever could. But I’m weighing in with my perspective just the same 😀

In a world of like totally at least 1 million (not counting alts), how hard could it be to find a plethora of men just vying for the chance to be your one and only, your teddy bear, you’re oh-so-significant other? Turns out it’s a bit of a challenge. Strange, right?

You’re well-versed in SL, what one would call an experienced user, however, sometimes it seems you are not up to par with other, attractive-opposite-gender, types with the same level of experience. You find that it might actually be more immediately satisfying to find some noob, clean him up, and present him to your more edumacated, worldly friends. And in the process, learn how superficial you are by trying to pass off your unknowing newbie as the latest fashion victim in a cartoon world. Or maybe it’s that you are too experienced and therefore have an innate dislike of the bumbling ignorance of the grid we inhabit. Let’s call it snobbery.

I’ve done it. It didn’t work out. I’m not proud. Even when you find the one who’s willing to sit still while you revamp him and try to teach him what’s important in your slife, somehow it turns out not to be what you want. However, I must say that this particular type of  guy is a hero, putting up with your BS.

I’m simplifying. It was never just that cut and dry. Maybe it’s the feeling that all the good ones are taken – though that’s not to say that all the taken ones are good, jus sayin. Or it’s knowing that whatever you want to call it… shy, reticent, anti-social, diffident… you just aren’t playing well with others or putting yourself smartly into the path of finding your true slove.

Many times I feel as though I’m the only avatar alive. Though I know this is a false feeling brought on by the vast space throughout the grid. And despite all the pissing and moaning I’m doing here it seems I put myself into situations or relationships that will keep the other party firmly distanced from me. So, I really have no one to blame but myself. Doesn’t make me miss sharing my experience with another any less. Blah Blah Psychobabble blah.

Maybe it just requires a more methodical approach.

I miss having an SL-other. I feel a spark from time to time, but I get lost in the what I should do’s and reading other’s reactions. Half the time I think I put people off out of quietness or snark. I don’t think I read people well all the time and sometimes I just think I’m an inept flirt. Either you’re not getting that I want to have your prim children, orrrr you do get that but are afraid I might boil your bunny instead. At least that’s how I figure it. And then I get that image in my head of like Sandra Bernhard with latex covering her entire body except her mouth and eyes, snapping a whip and saying “come to mama”. None of which really inspires me to take a chance. Go figure.

Really, boys, I don’t bite… nor will I drive 45675135465765413 miles in diapers to declare my never-ending love. That’s too much like work.

Join a group! Participate! I do, uh huh, and then I lose my nerve. I know! It’s a virtual world. Be aggressive! Be outgoing! Mhm, I know! Somehow I can only keep that up for a short time. It’s not a matter of not being myself. Myself is more along the lines of that outspoken, outgoing, fun girl. However, that’s usually in small groups where I don’t feel the pang of fear. Flinching from some unknown but totally expected insult or rejection.

Where do I find him? My SLomeo? We know he’s not hiding in the dressing room of the hottest male fashion designers shop. That guy? He’s too clean. Too well-dressed. Tooo fashionable.

He’s not wearing the tight jeans and no shirt with a huge tattoo covering his sparsely-haired chest dancing next to me in the club. That guy has gestures and knows how to use em! His hair is also longer and flowier than mine. No thanks.

He’s not hiding his light under a bushel in that fox suit. Trust me. There’s no hidden light there. Just a deviant yearning for yiffage.

Where is he? I know he’s there… somewhere… waiting for me to come along. I’m just not sure where to check next.

Shamefaced Apology

Posted in Love & War, SecondLife® with tags , , on November 25, 2008 by Catero

shamefaced-apology
This is not the usual Rev post where I bitch and rant about something that “grinds my gears” in a Peter Griffin-esque fashion. Instead, its an apology to my former partner, Phoenix Chapman, who has summarily blocked/deleted me from every imaginable communications tool and has asked that I never contact her again.

As a flawed individual I fuck up regularly. And I royally fucked up and really hurt her feelings, and for that I truly am sorry. Sometimes one is aware of, but doesn’t fully realize what the consequences of one’s actions will be until the line is crossed and the impact of the fall-out is experienced first hand.

I keep re-reading the last message she sent me, seeing myself through her eyes and realizing what complete asshole I am.

For all it’s worth I apologize, Phoe.

– – –
Soundtrack to sadness