Once upon a time, the adoption agencies that populated the grid were the answer to the prayers of some of the barren residents of SL. SL child welfare authorities were busy and happy… matching loving avatar couples with the creepy-grown-adult-playing-a-child spawn they so craved. The sounds of “Sissssssssssssssyyyyyyyyyyyyy” and the lilting “I love you buh bye” were music to the ears of parents to be everywhere.
Sadly this is no longer the case. As adoption agencies now turn away the rising number of unwanted and orphaned child AV’s due to overcrowding, one must wonder what the reason is.
Meet Baby Chris 1.0. Previously known only for peddling pets, Zooby’s has launched onto the child-for-sale scene with their introduction of Baby Chris.
“Things used to be so complicated,” explains Baby Chris in a rather gravely and raspy voice. He throws back a shot of whiskey as he ponders his next words. “With kid aveez, parents were always havin to deal with personality and crap….,”
BC erupts into a coughing fit and stares at the lit end of his cigar accusingly. “Me? Well, I’m the new generation. HA HA HA. There’s no ‘person’ behind this baby,” he continues, punctuating the air around him with his finger quotes. “Log out for a few hours a day so I can get some damn peace and quiet and I’m good to go.”
Touted as SL’s best babies, Zoobys are quickly taking the grid by storm. One look at their angelic faces and guaranteed cooing and awwing will follow. Plus, there are so many options, your SL will be fun-filled with an adorable accessory you can show all your friends!
Amazingly life-like, they can sleep, crawl, talk, sit, and even breastfeed! “Except that Morgan one!” BC sputters. “Poor sap all handicapped with those fangs… good thing he doesn’t care he’s missin all that melon action. Know what I’m sayin’? HA HA HA.” Once again, Chris is interupted by coughing fit as I subtly roll my eyes.
Seems like these itty bitty, cooing, sweet-smelling angels are a dream come true, right? We were not convinced. We decided to get another perspective from one orphaned child avatar, named Star (real name changed to protect the wanna-be minor).
Star explains her need to explore her inner child through the use of a creepy child av,”I didn’t feew wike I had the reaw wife chiwdhood I detherved. Sure, my parenth were rich, and I wath thpoiled but I need to feew dithipwine, and I kinda wike getting thpanked.”
What did the unanticipated arrival of Baby Chris 1.0 mean for Star?
“My parenth were no wonger interethed in me,” Star says and the corners of her pouty mouth turn down. The details of the ordeal that followed are horrifying.
“I wath wocked in a cewl while they pwayed wif their new toy,” she says. I can see the big puppy dog tears welling in her eyes at the memory. “My SL parenth woved me I thought.” One fat tear rolls down her face.
It was the natural progression of your slife. Be a noob, find a poseball partner, make it official by adding that person to your lil box, then the palatial estate and marriage. The next step will always be to start your new family. Perhaps with a repressed guy from South Dakota who would like to rp as your new bouncing baby boy.
For one child who had enjoyed such a charmed existence – safe in the loving picks of her ‘parents’ – thoughts of driving cross country in her own diaper to gain closure over the failed parent/child relationship began to seem reasonable.
“Messy!” declares Baby Chris. “Folks are so needy. You won’t get any of those nagging emotional needs to fill with a Zooby Baby.” He winks as he looks at me, “what you will get is a guaranteed bundle of motha effing joy, pink cheeks and the silencing of your biological whosit.”
“Thure, theth babieth are great if you’re a thocially awkward, materiawistic fathionithta who needth a lil thomething new on their arm,” adds Star bitterly.
This has been a collaboration of JellyBean Madison and Rosie Shark. We’ve all seen the craze. What are your thoughts on Child AV’s and prim babies?