It’s over, we’re done!

I’m leaving you, we’re breaking up, because…

…we can’t go on like this any more. Your friends (replace with yoga instructor, tringo host, family, cats or anything else applicable) do not approve of me.
… your friends (replace with hobbies, pets, TV shows, online gaming, Mountain Dew/asiago cheese bagel addiction or anything else applicable) are more important than me.
… I don’t like how you spend money (how you dress, how you talk/shop/cook or your friends or anything else applicable)
…it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not ready for a serious relationship. You’re too good for me, you deserve someone better.

People think of any excuse when it’s over don’t they? I’ve heard a lot, some personally and some through experiences by my friends and co-workers. Is breaking up really hard to do nicely? YES! Not only that but isn’t the goal to move on? Breaking up is hard no matter which role you play – be it the dumper or the dumped.

Last week one of my RL friends was dumped and as you all know, my sympathy has no bounds. Hah! Actually we all saw it coming, but she didn’t. The best I could do is offer Ben & Jerry’s, a pink rose and a shoulder, while biting my tongue of the famous heartless words… “I told ya so”. Bitchy, much? Mayhapsibly but honestly we really did all see it coming & I’m not completely cold or I would have said it rather than just thinking it, right?

Dissed via text, dismissed over the phone… just one step above an email & a post-it note? Why can’t break ups be more cut and dry? More clear and concise? By no means am I an expert but over a year ago I did get divorced (which I intiated) and of course I’ve been holding my friend’s hand through this tough dumped slump. I guess that gives me the empathy to write this post as I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum.

I don’t have any good advice for the dumped other than what everyone else says… You’ll find somebody better, apparently he/she wasn’t the one for you, better to end it now before you waste 14 years of your life & add 3 kids to your baggage… yada yada.

However for the dumper…

  • Do it in person. For the love of all that is good, just have the guts to at least do it face to face. Well, if you’re an SL relationship, I guess be on the same sim, avatar to avatar?Anything else is just cold & ruthless.
  • Avoid doing it on special ocassions – such as holidays, birthdays, or heaven forbid, Valentine’s Day. You don’t want to seriously head fuck another human being no matter how bad the relationship turned out, do you?
  • Stop trying to be the nice guy/girl. It’s over. There is no good way of doing it nicely. You need to be clear, we need “closure” and try not to use the same tired phrases that you think make it easier on the one you’re dumping. It’s best to be honest and use tact but honestly stop trying to protect his/her feelings, you’re DUMPING them so lay it out there so he/she can have that full closure, and understanding of why it really didn’t work. Did you grow apart? Want to weigh other options? Met someone else? Decided to be a eunuch/celibate/join a monastery?
  • Be honest – By being honest, it may hurt the other person that you devoted however much time to, but it’ll also help them get over you quicker. Really isn’t that the goal? Move on! By trying to be nice, you may also end up giving false hope that you could change your mind tomorrow. You’re already going to cause him/her inescapable emotional pain and hurt for a period of time so just go whole hog without going out of your way to be overly cruel.
  • Don’t try to stay friends, you both need time away from eachother. After all if time with eachother was working out so well, you wouldn’t be breaking up in the first place. Mayhaps down the road, you two can be friends but don’t promise that straight out of the dumpage gates of singlehood.
  • Rein in your emotions – Of course you don’t want to appear completely cold but don’t laugh if they cry, or appear overly happy at getting out of the relationship. Also don’t give them 5 minutes of you doing all the breaking up & “I’m out of here”. If you take it slow & tactfully, he/she can ask questions if need be, etc.

All in all, leave gracefully, not gleefully. He/she will be stunned, especially if there was no warning signs, but in the end everything will be clear & hopefully you both can just move forward & find the one that is definitely the right one for you.

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2 Responses to “It’s over, we’re done!”

  1. A-FRICKEN-MEN.

    Bullshit excuses are just lame, srsly. Grow a pair.. be honest.. then fuck off for a bit! 😀

  2. Mistletoe Says:

    Excellent and well-said. I’d send a copy of this to my “oh so nice guy” ex if we were still communicating…

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