Dear Rosie: Signed Night Elf’s Maiden and more

Dear Rosie,

My boyfriend is totally mouth-watering and I want to jump his bones all the time. Recently, he’s begun this habit of setting goals for me in order for us to reward ourselves with getting sweaty once we acheive them. All of this leads me to think that maybe I want him… or sex… more than he wants sex. Well, until he set our last goal. Last night in response to me saying that I want him, he said, “As soon as I level up my Night Elf.” Is he really trying to set goals for me in order to get more accomplished? Does he want me as much as I want him?

signed, Night Elf’s Maiden

Dear Night Elf’s Maiden,

Wait… What? Did it occur to you that you both might be a little on the, uhhhh “intellectual* side? Though I don’t question his mastery at the quest and his nimble use of weaponry, I do wonder at his ability to stave off sex in order to *cough* level up.  And I have to question his mastery of his, yanno, staff? Are you sure he is a human male? Perhaps he’s cleverly disguised the true warrior woodland creature that inhabits his body? Seems his priorities might point to that anyhow. Hope this helps!

~Rosie

Dear Rosie,

I came to SL as a professional businesswoman of sound mind and body. I have found nothing but deceit and underhanded dealings. Though confident enough to speak what’s really on my mind, this shady community has no respect for the truth or for my rational approach to making this a better slife for all. In all shock I’ve found that no one gets me. Where does all this animosity come from? True, I expected my mission to expose the inner workings of the fashion community would be thwarted, I am baffled by the negative impression everyone has of me. I have been nothing but clear, totally sane, and totally rational. And though I’ve handled my investigations into the darkside of the grid with utmost respect and decorum, the powerful of SL seek to ruin my good name. It’s nearing the time when I will bust this whole thing wide open. Then they will see! Daily my list of evil-doers grows. I shall get them all, snarling, lowlife, pondsucking, scum that they are!… It’s them, right?

Signed, Baffled

Dear Baffled,

Uh huh. Clearly anyone who reads one word you write could see the concise, clear-headed approach you take to all things. I love you, truly I do. Without you SL would have been oh-so-mundane lately. Keep up the good work!

~Rosie

Dear Rosie,

I’m dating a man who is very possibly bipolar but I cannot seem to leave him alone. Things seem to be going well for stretches, particularly lately, then he freaks out! He asked me to go and meet his family over New Years, but then flipped out when I asked him to meet one of my friends. He likes me to the point of not wanting  to let me go one minute, and the very next can’t bother to make an appearance. Apparently a bottle of beer is more appealing than me. Since I cannot stop liking him (apparently… yes, yes, I’m looking into help of my own) and it looks like he’s the uncurable kind of crazy… should I kill him? Thoughts? Orange is really not my color.

Signed, Possibly Homicidal

Dear Possibly Homicidal,

Yes. Sounds like a major pain in the ass if you ask me! I say, Kill him. Orrrr seek psychiatric help. I’m a little uneasy with how my advice might affect you and have taken the liberty of hiring a bodyguard in the event that you disagree. I say that with love 🙂 As for the beer, are you yeasty with a rich amber color? No? Well, though I’m not usually a beer drinker, I do enjoy one on a really hot day. Get what I’m saying? ❤

~Rosie

Dear Rosie,

I’ve strived all my life to be the top of my class, the top in SL, more recently – the top of Plurk. And now I want to own ebay. Well, before Callie does anyhow. My theory has always been that when life gives you lemons (or in this case, gallstones) you make… MONEY! Sure the money would be nice, but what I’m really after is lengthening the reach off my online footprint. Afterall it’s my DNA and people would pay good money if they could bottle my spark and have it all to their own. It’s inevitable that Callie will put her kidney stones up on ebay and I had to get there first. New frontier, here I come! So, I was wondering, would you like to bid on them? They’re awfully cute.3154611274_b4851015e2_o

 

 

signed, Gallstones of Infamy

Dear Gallstones,

Although they are lovely, I must resist. I’m saving all my money to purchase Callie’s kidney stones outright as soon as they hit ebay! I wish you luck on your quest. You’ve made huge strides in establishing your online imprint and I’m honored to even have received this letter from you! Let the bidding wars begin!

~Rosie

Dear Rosie,

I, <insert name here>, have been duped! Though a heterosexual female in both lives, I have been unwittingly playing on the other team in SL. Though I declare to my friends that it’s not my fault, <Insert friend’s names here> continue to tease and point and laugh. I was infatuated with the perfect asshole in SL. Looks, style, shitty sarcasm. He had it all… including me wrapped around his little finger. As it turns out *HE* also had one other teeny tiny itty bitty little thing he forgot to mention… A WHO WHO! Much to the disbelief of myself, <insert name here> and my friends <insert friends names here>, yes sadly HE was a SHE! Now, I don’t know who to trust. My slife as it was is over. I will always be distrustful and require new *men* in my life to pass a skype test… one more rigorous than the one I used before. I’m pissed that I have to initiate new measures in order to keep myself from being a duped lesbian again. How can I, <insert name here>, ever trust that any guy I’ m with in SL again will truly be a man? Is there some sort of penis registration process that I can be referred to?

signed, click here to see list of affected parties

Dear List,

Wow. Sucks. It’s ok if you’re gay 🙂 We still love you just as you are. Funny you should mention a penis registration process and more rigorous skype tests… it’s something we’re working on developing for the new year here at the Rev.

~Rosie

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One Response to “Dear Rosie: Signed Night Elf’s Maiden and more”

  1. ♥JellyBean♥ Says:

    I’m still HAHAHAHA *snort* -ing over the gallstones Lmao!

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