Diff between have’s and have nots?

This post is intended to be a slice of relationship advice, but honestly it is a way of thinking that you can live your life by.   So many people get caught up in looking at all the big things in their life that they do NOT have that they tend to overlook the thousands of things that they DO have.

Why is it that we see such a turnover of relationships in SL and in the real world today?   I think it is largely the philosophy of the grass (or ass) is always greener on the other side of the fence.   People tend to get caught up more in what they or their partner does not have, than in what they do.    In a material sense, we never have “enough” money, clothes, things, or toys.    The same can be said in the emotional sense of always craving that enraptured puppy love stage where the other person is the funniest, most perfect, incredibly good looking person in the world (before allowing time for reality to set in.)    Well I got news for you, if you are addicted to pure unadulterated slobbery infatuation, then the odds are pretty slim that you are going to find long-term happiness with anyone.  The truth is that the level of intimacy you can reach with someone with whom you have shared a long term relationship will more than make up for finding out your partner actually has a few flaws.

There are all sorts of things that people are looking for in relationships.   I am sure there are a lot of people who are tied down in their RL, and looking to try to find that wild rush of feeling through serial dating and hook-ups.    Second Life is rich with opportunities and people doing the exact same thing.   They repeat a cycle of lust and hurt, lust and hurt.   I guess that for me, I grew out of that in my late teens/early twenties.    I get a lot more out of loving someone who shares my interests, hobbies, and values.    Is anybody out there perfect… no.   Is there a high likelihood that on any one trait (humor, intelligence, wit, etc) that there will always be someone out there who scores higher… yes.    The secret to a good relationship is focusing on the complete package, valuing what you have,  and not always thinking the next interesting person you meet is perfect.

I subscribe to the theory that there is more than one Mr or Mrs right out there for any one person.   You find someone who has the traits that attract you in the first place, you test the waters to see that you are compatible, you revel in the raw lust of the infatuation phase, and then you watch your love grow as you share experiences and learn to appreciate the faults that make your lover a unique person as much as her strengths.  Relationships are work, and at some point down the road you are gonna have to work harder than you did those first few weeks and months.  Too many people give up when it becomes work, and think they made a mistake, because everything should be roses and cotton candy 24/7 or else something is wrong.

You also have to understand that there are certain constraints that are often outside your control.   If you end up dating someone on the other side of the planet, then you had better understand that you are not going to be spending a ton of quality time together.   The same can be said of things like jobs, RL family situations, and such, that are there for a reason.    If you can’t accept them, and work around them, then you are probably not in the right relationship in the first place.    This isn’t a reflection of the person in the relationship, but is still a factor that impacts if they are the right fit for you.

If you find yourself today in a situation where you feel like you are lacking x, y, or z.   Then I encourage you to take fifteen minutes and do a quick brainstorm of every positive thing you can find in your mate, because I am sure that there are still a lot of awesome things.    People change, and at times they grow apart to the point where they do not share the same life goals.    True emotional intimacy though, does not come easy, and once you find it, don’t be quick to let it go, because there will come a time when your new infatuation will wear off and you will be forced to start over again… and again…

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8 Responses to “Diff between have’s and have nots?”

  1. Thank you, good advice – and very, very true.

  2. smart guy, tell jelly i wanna date you! hehe jk!

  3. Well… I couldn’t agree more.

  4. Well… I think I agree (shoosh, i’m tired). I would love an SL relationship where someone was *totally* on the same level as me on ALL things, but sadly how often does that happen?

    I’m in a very happy RL relationship, so obviously I don’t want the lust or “boingyness” of an SL one, my perfect partner in SL would be one that was a good companion but that didn’t mind hopping on balls for me to take pics to play with in PS.. one that likes shopping, but one I can talk to about RL day to day doldrummy stuff too, I guess my perfect partner would just be a really damned good friend.

    I’ve been in a fair few SL relationships some of them have ended badly, one of them in particular I ended up putting my RL on the backburner, which I shouldn’t have done, thankfully it only made RL better after I realised wtf I was doing, as it helped me face up to some issues.

    I guess what I agree with is that you don’t need to hop from person to person, and if you’re the type of person that does, do you *really* need to be in an SL r/ship at ALL? Do you *know* what you want from one? Expectations are usually our biggest downfall, so it’s best to head into anything with none, and then you can’t be let down.

    Personally I think it’s probably easier not to have one at all and just to surround yourself with good friends, which is what I try and do. I have tried to get my RL in here, but to be honest, when we’re sat 2 ft away from each other, it seems a lil silly, but when he works away it might be the perfect place to express our feelings.

    Who knows.

    Oh look, i’ve rambled on about nothing again… good job I don’t write for the Rev, ppl would be all “wtf is she on about now” after I change the subject a billionty times, GO ME!

    Overall, great post >.>

  5. Elizabeth Hallstrom Says:

    Uh, yeah What Willis said – I’ll ride her coat tails on that comment!

  6. Ditto what Willow said…I think. I just can’t do SL reltaionships anymore. They make my head spin.

    yep, great post.

  7. Elizabeth Hallstrom Says:

    LOL joone – i hear that. I was in a long term SL thing and found out all he pretty much said was lies. I then found what I thought was a partner on the same page. I made him my knight in shining armor – ya know the guy that would help you heal. Well that ended up falling apart as well and after some unjust public humiliation I received out of the deal I have decided its just not worth it. I just have to remind myself I am not defined by my SL relationships both friend and partners and to keep plugging along!

  8. Charlotte Bartlett Says:

    I can’t say I have ever really got the SL relationship thing. I just can’t seem to raise enthusiasm for the necessary investment of time it would take on top of the time already spent there!

    Not to mention whilst the fantasy side is nice, I need to see their RL self and 9 times out of 10 that kills it :p

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