The sun sets slowly on our lonely…

There are a lot of people out there that do it, but why? It will fail. I’m talking about SL relationships that belong to people who are happily married in RL (or so they say) or already in a RL relationship of some sorts. At some point the barriers of what’s acceptable will break down, rules will get bent and a choice will have to be made.

I know you’re probably wondering how I can be so matter of fact about a topic that is so well known in our SLuniverse, huh? Don’t question me damn it! I lived it. A little history that mayhaps the newest of new readers do not know, sorry to those that have heard it before. I’ve been in SL now for 4.5 years. That’s a long damn time, I have to say. I was also in a RL marriage of 14 years, not happily (I should add) and I’ve had my fair share of SL re’ships. So call me a veteran if you want, or old, or whatever… but I have seen it all.

Rule #1

In order to make a re’ship of this type work, you have to, I really need to stress this point, HAVE TO make sure everyone is clear on the rules and there are no secrets. That means the Misters & Misses that are not in SL also need to know. You may think that they are okay or just don’t care what you are doing online but when they find out, and they will – it’ll be ugly! Basic rule for not only SL but RL as well, if you feel you have to hide something – it’s usually because of guilt, you know you’re doing something someone else will not approve of.

Rule #2

Another very important rule is REAL LIFE COMES FIRST! Everyone always says this. You see it in their profiles under the 1st life tab, in their blogs, or they mention it here & there. Is this really what you believe? Honestly & truly? Don’t answer to me, but really ask yourself. This self rule gets bent more often than not. Especially when you are virtually smitten and can’t seem to break away to go to bed at a decent hour, remember to fix dinner, forgot to eat in oh so many hours & oops it’s morning already? If RL was really for realsies coming first your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner wouldn’t be bitching about you spending all your time in front of the computer. Right? Think about that one a bit.

Rule #3

Don’t cross the SL banlines! This means once you use outside sources to keep in touch with the virtual *one* such as messengers (Yahoo, MSN, AIM, Meebo, etc) you’ve def jumped right out of SL and now you’re in a whole other territory. It’s a dangerous one and really can you go back now? It may shush your significant other not to see you in SL all the time, for awhile… but once again refer to rule #1.

Rule #4

DO NOT GIVE OUT YOUR NUMBER! Okay for reasons of phone sex? Mayhaps. But never to your SL lover unless you are seriously ready to make *that* choice I mentioned earlier. It will be your RL versus your SL at this point. If you have to be out of world & away from the net for something like, iunno, a business trip – I’m sure that love will just survive. No need to call him/her as you get right off the plane. I’m sure your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner would love to be the first & only one you to call to say you’ve arrived safely.

In the long run… most people that are “happily” anything do not look to be anything to anyone else in a virtual world. There are a few people that will tell you crap like “I am completely happy in RL but I want to share time with someone in SL.” Okay well that’s fine, and you so should. However friends are just as awesome & sometimes the best cuddlers Eva’R! They also don’t put your RL relationships in jeopardy.

If you are truly unhappy in your RL, I strongly do urge you to try an SL re’ship on for size. I did! I am happy to say that Hawks & I have been together in RL for 7 months now & together in world for over a year. I was strong enough to make the jump from my unhappy RL, but are you ready to make that choice?

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8 Responses to “The sun sets slowly on our lonely…”

  1. This is very wise advice, and I hope that the many who find themselves in this situation think carefully about it.

  2. While I agree with what you’re saying Jelly, I could be classed as a hypcorite cos i’m one of those ppl that ARE happy in RL, very happily planning when the next baby is etc etc… but I also like to have someone in SL.

    I can’t explain why, I think it’s cos I have a lot of love to give (love, not loin sharage, kthx) and I like having that special someone to share it with along with my friends.

    I agree there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed and I quite firmly believe that if you are happy in RL you should probably find someone in a similar situation that just wants to share to the same extent as you, which I have, there isn’t much point in finding someone that wants to fall in love in RL and get married, if you’re already happy with your life, although I tend to think sometimes it happens when you don’t mean it to, but just like… don’t go looking for something with someone that they aren’t willing to give you, I guess?

    It’s a subject with OODLES of opinions, all differing, I just think that you can be happy in RL and happy with someone in SL, but I would never hide my online self from my RLBF that’s just asking for a world of trouble.

    He knows all about everything I do, sometimes he sits here with me, I wouldn’t hide chat with my friends from him, so why would I hide chat with someone that’s a bit more of a friend?

    I dunno, some ppl think it’s weird, some ppl totally understand, I just go with what works for me 🙂

  3. Very good post, and I actually do think that people can be happy with both an SL and RL relationship, as long as things are totally in the open with all four parties. However, I do agree with you, that if the SL partner is increasingly becoming a larger and larger part of your RL life, then at some point you are going to take it just a little bit too far. That “ban line” is probably different for one person verses another, but once you cross out of SL you run the risk of a slippery slope that ends up with you taking it too far, and then having one of the RL bf/gf/spouses getting all ugly.

    I have argued before that we escape to SL proportionate to the extent we are unhappy in our RL lives. Again not true for every single person, but as a generality holds true for the population. If you are seeking out SL re-ships it is to add to something your RL reship is missing, which is the first warning sign.

  4. this is pretty much how me and lucas ended up together… rl was unhappy and i was using sl as a way to fill in gaps in my rl. i ment for lucas to be an sl boyfriend only but i fell for him and we’ve been together now for over a year and a half.

  5. dialoguewithdaila Says:

    The question I think you have to ask yourself is: Is your virtual lover fulfilling needs that you aren’t even giving your actual lover a chance to meet. Emotional affairs are deadly. If you begin to share all your happy moments with someone online and all your bitchy moments with that person that lives in your home, then of course your online relationship is going to appear to be a lot more fun than your real life one. I speak as someone that has never attempted the traditional SL relationship, so perhaps my opinion is slightly skewed.

  6. Great post, JellyBean. I’ve found myself shelling out this same advice many times since I began my SL.

  7. JellyBean I really admire you, not only because this is excellent advice and a well written post, but you have walked the walk so you’ve earned the right to say this. I hope people listen, I plan to.

  8. ♥JellyBean♥ Says:

    Thank you guise. I feel that this is a strong topic though I feel I left out a few things, the gist is the gist and ya’ll get it.

    🙂

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